I'm still alive.... Barely!

Well its finally come and gone and I have only one thing to say: "Ouch!"

I sit here writing this with a jug of water and a box of Milk Thistle tablets next to me.

If there's ever been a reason not to marry more than once, it has to be the bachelor party. It all started off ever so famously. My best man picked me up at 08:30 on Saturday morning and even though the venue for the festivities was suppose to be a surprise, I knew we were going to Sun City. Until, that is, we started driving in completely the wrong direction.

But alas we were going to Sun City. We just weren't going by car. So 20 mins later I was standing in the departure hall of Grand Central Airport waiting to walk out to our Bell 407 Helicopter which was waiting on the runway. Needless to say this was the same helicopter that flew our president around during the elections.

All I can say is I have put a helicopter on my Christmas wishlist. I even did some flying and I was told by the pilot I'm a natural. I think he was just being nice though.

After a brisk 30 min flight we landed at Sun City and after some breakfast we met up with the rest of the bachelor party to watch SA beat AUS in the rugby. But you have to wear the proper attire to watch the rugby and so I was ordered into some cute black lingerie, a red sparkly stetson hat and some green speckled g-string contraption over my nether region and that is how I spent most of the weekend. I can honestly say I looked pretty.

That was until I was mugged by an Acacia tree. I was still pulling thorns out my arm and other areas of my body4 hours later. Damn tree! I never knew they moved so quickly.

Oh did I mention I stayed in the presidential suite at the Cascades. It's the only place I've been to with telephones next to the toilet. It adds a whole new perspective on ordering room service.

Needless to say between Saturday and Monday I consumed enough alcohol to keep Ireland going for a week. I did however lose all my chest hair, my eyebrows however stayed intact. Even though at about 10pm on Saturday night they were on the endangered list. And if my mates hadn't used all the razor blades on my chest I think they would be extinct today.

Apparently I'm the only person to swim in the lake around the Cascades restaurant in a red stetson hat and black lingerie. I'm just wondering how the parents explained the sight of a inebriated man with no chest hair and a hat swimming in the black water of the Cascade hotel to their kids as they walked past. I did however manage to get out the water before Security was called.

I'm still very stiff and have some very interesting bruises which I'm trying to remember how they got there.

And so it has taken me two days to recover and I'm still feeling very tender. I hope never to drink again. I know you've heard that one before but really I dont think I can ever drink again. Ever.

p.s. I apologise for any spelling mistakes. I have tried to locate them all but I still don't trust myself.

Prescription Meds

Well it's a new week and my flu has now nicely settled in. Exactly four days before my bachelor's party. Determined not to be sick on Saturday I went to the Doc yesterday afternoon with one simple instruction: "Make me better. Quickly." Needless to say she has prescribed enough medication to treat most of the people living in sub Sahara Africa. I'll be surprised if I ever get sick again after I finish the course of meds she's got me on.

As it is I'm not the biggest pill popper in the world, in fact I would rather cough and sneeze myself to a gradual recovery than take pharmaceuticals, however as time is of the essence I have resorted to a daily dose of pills which for the next four days take the place of dinner.

Change of subject, I have slowly begun following more and more blogs as time has passed and especially since starting my own. I do this for a few reasons, but mainly for inspiration, as a good few bloggers that I follow have become authors of their own books, which often follow the theme of their blogs. Not that I want to publish a book. Ok maybe one day, but I follow them more for their style of writing and as mentioned for inspiration.

Once such blog I came across recently is entitled Bete de Jour which is a blogger's recording of his day to day life as a ugly man and ultimately his search for love whilst fighting his feelings of inadequacy. Not only is this a funny journey, but also superbly written and very entertaining.

Anyhow looking forward to getting through this week and regaining my health for what I'm sure will be a very interesting weekend.

It's finally happened

Well it's finally happened. I've put it off for nearly a year, proudly fighting it every singe day, smug in the knowledge that I was winning, until today.

Yip it feels like I'm getting flu.

Now before you panic and start jumping to illogical conclusions about my recent travels and the possibility of swine flu, let me ease your mind that overall I feel strong like bull except that right at the back of my throat it feels like there's a little piece of sandpaper that's rubbing against my esophagus. and so I arrived at this office this morning armed with a new tub of Viral Choice (which I swear by, Debs however thinks the only thing they good for is heartburn) and some of those throat lozenges sweets that make your tongue go numb. Which is not a bad thing, except in meetings where the phrase 'tongue tied' takes on a whole new meaning.

I digress, anyway I'm hoping that armed with my vitamins and lozenges I will fight this bug and win. I have to win. At all costs. Why?

Because I have a bachelor party coming up folks and I can't be running around with a box of tissues on my bachelors.

Can you imagine the story:"No there was no strippers or alcohol, but don't worry the abundant supply of Vicks vapour rub made up for it." I don't think so.

To drive to drunk

It's not often that I blog two days in a row, however I had to share this with you.

Last night on my way home from the office, I noticed a green Japanese car in the left lane that was driving a little peculiar. As soon as the robot would turn green this little green machine would crawl off the mark before violently accelerating and then suddenly braking in order to avoid rear ending the car in front.

At first I thought this must be a hormonal young male intent on displaying his bravado in trying to out accelerate all other cars or he was trying to keep up with someone he was following. Then I stopped next to him and saw the real reason for this erratic driving.

Next to me was a white male, approximately early thirties, wearing a jersey that his grandmother must have knitted, sitting in this small green car and he was completely and utterly smashed. He was so drunk that he had a cigarette in his mouth, except he was trying to light the filter, which he eventually got alight, however it took him awhile before realising the whole smoking thing wasn't working and there was a problem. He then proceeded to try and throw the cigarette out the window, except the window was closed.

As the robot changed I drove off and stayed ahead of this gentlemen however keeping an eye on him in the rear view mirror, and I was amazed that despite his swerving across the entire two lane road he never hit another car or payment. When I stopped next to him at the next robot he looked at me, sorry, he tried to focus on me, however after about 15 seconds gave up and shook his head to try and keep awake.

The robot changed and off I drove and eventually he pulled off and the last time I saw him was when I think he collided with a taxi that suddenly stopped in his lane.

Now despite the humour in observing this person it really gets my back up that there are people that try and control a motor vehicle in such a state. Especially in South Africa where we are known for our high mortality rate on our roads.

I know many of us, including myself, have been guilty of driving under the influence, maybe though not to the extent of this gentleman but it still is a common pastime in this country.

Thankfully our law enforcement is starting to catch up with this trend and hopefully we can start seeing a great reduction in the number of casualties and injuries on our roads due to this plague.

Back to reality

Well its been a good few weeks since my last entry and having a look at a few of the other blogs I follow, it seems that my fellow bloggers are also struggling to keep up with regular postings. It may be the cold weather that freezes our creative juices, or it may just be a case of our lives consuming us to the point whereby we don't have time to sit down and post about the experiences in our daily lives.

As I previously mentioned I was off to Monaco and returned on Saturday. "What was it like?" I hear you ask, well I'm not too sure where to begin suffice to say that one blog entry will not do my trip any justice.

Firstly everything you imagine Monaco to be is true. Yes it is unlike any place you will visit and it is everything you see on TV when watching the Monaco GP. I'm not sure if it's because I went in their peak season (August in Europe is their summer holidays) or because I was just loving the perfect summer weather but it really is the place of dreams. It has to be one of the cleanest cities I've visited and also the richest. It truly is the playground of the rich and famous. You see so many yachts and sports cars that after a few days you don't even turn around when another Ferrari drives up the street.

We not only went to Monaco but travelled to various little villages throughout the south of France and the north of Italy, all of them rich in history to the point that time has hardly touched them.

I'm hoping that as I recall my experiences that each one will be a blog subject in its own so that I can try and share these places with you.

but alas I'm now back in reality and back in the office trying to catchup the last week and going into the final stretch of wedding plans. Needless to say the next month will probably be the busiest and quickest I have yet to experience.

Problem Solver

Well its been long time since my last post, and I'm going to admit that I'm struggling to get into the whole routine of regular posting. I've kinda got into a routine of putting cream on regularly, and that's a big first for me, so I'm hoping the blogging thing will follow suit.

So what's been happening in my life you ask? Well not much actually. I hit a slump at work recently, but if you did what I did, you would to. Don't get me wrong I love my job, I just get tired sometimes with sorting out peoples' problems. Because that's ultimately what an attorney is, a problem solver. You don't phone up an attorney and pay them by the hour if you didn't have a problem.

However there are client's that can't distinguish between a problem solver and a magician.

A problem solver is someone that looks at the problem objectively and plots out a plan to remedy the problem and implements that plan. That's me.

A magician is someone you get to perform at your kid's party. That's not me.
Even though some client's think I'm a magician, I'm actually not. So please don't phone and try and book me for any kids parties.

Despite the above distinction client's think I possess some magical qualities and will just make their problem disappear into a hat, leaving them with a fluffy bunny and my bill.

And what makes this observation even more obscure is that by the time they phone me to tell me about their problem they have managed to get themselves so deep into the brown stuff that the only way they getting out is with the use of heavy machinery, no matter how many letters I write.

Anyway enough bitching, even though this is my blog and I'm allowed to bitch.

If you know me and you want to make plans over 6 - 14 August, please don't. I will be in Monaco over this period and consequently unavailable. Yes you read correctly, Monaco, as in Monaco GP, fuck off rich people and lots of yachts.

My Monaco trip was conceptualised, planned and executed in three hours. I haven't even planned a trip to Harties in three hours, but planning for trip to Monaco went something like this:

D: I have a client who has invited us to Monaco for the long weekend, what do you think?

M: I think that's pretty wild. What do you think?

D: I think we should go, what do you think?

M: I think so too. I'll check flights.

And so flights were booked and off we go.

Parlevoux Francais? (I know it's spelt wrong, I'm not french)

Here Kitty,Kitty, Kitty

I woke up grumpy this morning.

To people in my circle of trust this may not be the statement of the year and I already hear them saying: "so?".

Well this morning I woke up extra grumpy and I'll tell you why. I got into bed last night after the soccer (well done Brazil!) and was really looking forward to a good night of slumber as I was really bushed, I think it was because I didn't partake of my Sunday siesta and had a fairly busy day. Anyway I was tired and got into bed where I peacefully drifted off to sleep. However not for long.

Now before I can carry on I need to fill you in on some background info. I have become the adoptive father to two cats, one is grey and the other is black. The grey one loves to run around so we'll call her Trollip and the black one is a little over weight so we'll call her Boat. Now I have become very fond of Trollip and Boat over the years even though I'm not really a cat person. But they are also the cause of me grumpiness.

You see Trollip and Boat wait for you to get into bed and fall asleep and then they jump on the bed and quietly, in U.S. marine like stealth mode, attach themselves to you. For instance if I fall asleep on my back Trollip will fall asleep on my feet and Boat will fall asleep on my chest. Have you ever tried to sleep with a 4 kg cat on your chest? The problem is not falling asleep as you already asleep when they attach themselves. The problem is trying to turn around in your sleep. As soon as you try your body brings you out of your delightful little slumber in order to find out what the resistance is to you turning on your side.

So you wake up and try and move Boat off your chest. But this is easier typed than done. You see by now Boat is sleeping and warm so she's not going anywhere. You at first try to gently nudge her off, but she just ignores you. You then try with a little more force and not only does she ignore you but I can actually feel herself making her body weight heavier. Eventually after nearly catapulting her off the bed she gets the hint and moves off your chest allowing you to turn.

And she waits.

As soon as I've have fallen asleep on my side, Boat maneuvers in and positions herself up against my chest, while Trollip has positioned herself up against the back of my knees in effect pinning me in that position so again I cannot naturally turn or move in my sleep. And so a hour or two later I am again brought out of peaceful slumber to try and unpin myself from the clutches of Boat and Trollip, who have the determination of two tag team wrestlers. Again they defy all gentle attempts at their removal. And so eventually they get the hint and I roll onto my tummy, and you guessed it, a few minutes later Boat is getting comfy on my back while I'm trying to fall alseep.

This goes on the whole night.

All while my fiance is peacefully sleeping completely unaware of the feline assault I was under. So after being awoken 4 to 5 times last night, I eventually got out of bed this morning grumpy.

Not this is a a recent habit that Trollip and Boat have gotten into, oh no, this is something that has gone on for weeks, so in effect I can count the number of good night's sleep I've had since the beginning of winter on my hand.

Now Debs thinks this is amusing and endearing, telling me how they are looking for warmth and their daddy.

Rubbish! I obviously did something to the feline species in my past life and now I'm paying for it.

And so it's happened, I must be one of the few men in this world that have been relegated to the couch by two cats.

But I don't care.

If it means that for a good nights sleep I have to sleep on the couch then so be it.

Plus I read somewhere that men actually like sleeping on the couch. It's like camping.